I started dating SY on January, about the same time when I kick start my very own #HAPPINESS101.
I figured out that I will be spending a lot of time with him, hence happiness really matters!
That’s how I decided that I will kick start #HAPPINESS101 with — Decide to, LOVE;
Focusing on building a happy & positive relationship with SY.
I have been single for a year before I started dating SY.
I knew him for more than 10 years now, and he has always been a very good friend of mine. He has been there whenever I need him, & literally just one call away. We’d talk about e v e r y t h i n g. Yes, we have no secrets. When I am happy, he would be there to share & celebrate my happiness. Also, he’s there every time when I am broken & depressed, to comfort & to cheer me up. &, no matter what, he always knows what to say.
Then there’s one time, he decided to tell me…
“Can you give me a chance to go after you & take care of you?”
I guess fate cannot be explained.
“Fate is when you found something you were never looking for & it’s everything you never knew you wanted.”
Along time, he proved to me that there’s nothing better than being in love with your best friend.
He knows me inside out, he knows me better than myself.
I am grateful for his courage & effort, & it’s definitely not hard to fall in love with a man like him. However, DECIDING TO START A RELATIONSHIP with my best friend, is definitely a big deal! As much as he already knows me so well, the thoughts of letting him really get to know me on a more intimate level scares me. & what if, it fails? Will I lose my best friends? Then, I told myself – “I need to tune out from these critical thinking. Just, fall in love, mindfully.”
After much consideration, I finally decided to give this person whom I’ve used the phrase “Oh, he’s just my friend” to described him for the past 10 years a shot at something else. I entered into this relationship with the intention of extending love. I told myself, this is an important decision, because if it all goes wrong and things end badly, there’s the chance I will lose this person who plays a very important part of my life.
Therefore, I consciously set the goal of Happiness;
& these are the things I wasn’t doing for my past relationships (which I wish I did).
These resolutions were going to be tough, but with the feverish determination to make this relationship work;
I guess, I am willing to aim a little higher. :D
– COMMUNICATE, FIGHT RIGHT.
– GO THAT EXTRA MILES, TRUST.
– EXPRESS LOVE, OPENLY.
– PROMISE EXCLUSIVITY, STAY COMMITTED.
– COMMUNICATE, FIGHT RIGHT.
One thing that I really like about my relationship with SY is that we, C O M M U N I C A T E. I can never deny the fact that lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. Over years, I learned, “If you want something, ask for it. He can’t read your mind.”
SY & I enjoy talking to each other a lot.
Well, we shares everything. We would randomly send insta stories of almost anything that we noticed throughout the day, even on the smallest thing like I ate something that tastes really bad over lunch; caption: we should not come here next time. haha.
Experts says, “these “interrelatedness,” is a key factor in intimacy.”
However, communication can makes, and also breaks a relationship.
There’s no such thing as zero arguments, expect conflict when you communicate.
I challenge myself to FIGHT RIGHT, and not fight-to-win.
During one of our casual discussion, we had a different opinion on the definition of “dream big”. The discussion got pretty tensed up, and I threw the line “You do not understand me.” To be honest, I almost give up talking about this, but I was reminded to, Fight Right. SY though, was pretty calm and patience when it comes to this, instead of fighting back; He said, “It’s hurtful to hear that, but let’s talk, make me understand.”
Light dawned. He has his way to let me know I am in fault for dumping. I apologized, took a deep breathe. And, we had a fruitful heart-to-heart talk that improved our understanding on each other.
It’s not easy for me to apologize, it is just to tempting to blame our partners when there’s a disagreement. I struggled. It’s not always easy, but, I am really glad I did. It’s worth it, because in relationship, you do not fight to win.
There’s one time, SY told me; “I am in a team with your, I am your leader, & also your supporter.”
It’s true that we are in a partnership; we are in a team. When one wins, so does the other.
Therefore, fight right.
– GO THAT EXTRA MILES, TRUST.
One bad thing about dating your best friend, “You know E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G” about him/her.”
A lot of times, you tend to know too much. — in my case, all his past dating experience. huhu.
This can be pretty traumatizing.
I would like to believe, he felt the same too.
We decided to talked about it, calmly. & understand what “trust” means to us, exactly.
Next up, as crazy as it is, we decided to wipe off & not mentioned any of our past in the future.
However, knowing all the other person past dating experience, we kept in heart of what doesn’t work in a relationship. For instance, he knows I am extremely insecure, hence he obviously knows that I will be ultra sensitive on certain things, and be extra careful on that matter. I know he can never forgive, betrayal; hence, I make sure I stay away from anything/anyone that can possibly causes any intentional/unintentional challenge in faith.
Trust need openness, we practice “no-secret-relationship“. How to fully trust one? For me, I fake it till I feel it bruhhhhh. (hard, but have to!) It sounds extremely cliche, but it works!
Well, we have thumb access on each other’s phone. I was tempted to press into his messages and all, then I forced myself to act as if I really trust him, haha (not easy, okayyyy). And hey, it has been good, I am happily trusting him now, I wouldn’t even have the thought of checking on him. Of course, in return, he has been making effort to build trust for our relationship in a million little ways. It works both ways. :D
My theory, “something must be wrong when one started checking on the other person.”
Doubting some is tiring and burdening, I absolutely love how I can happily say, “I REALLY DO TRUST HIM“; & knowing that I have all his trust too!
EXPRESS LOVE, OPENLY.
In this case, I mean, COMPLIMENT.
I hardly give compliment in all my previous relationship.
Not that I am not aware of my partner’s good or I do not appreciate them, but I just didn’t think it’s important.
But I came to realize, men respond to compliment and appreciation as much as us, women do.
First, I learn to compliment to show that I believe in him.
SY is amazing, he’s a man with vision and dreams. He is my inspiration.
But knowing that in heart is not enough, hence I learned to express myself better.
“Dear, you’re amazing. & always my inspiration.”
“You’ve already accomplished so much, yet you’re so driven to be better! I am so proud of you!”
Little did I know, these compliments eventually became his motivation to be better.
Very often, he will express his gratitude for me believing in him. “I will be better, for us.” he said.
You’ll be surprised how complimenting your loved one, felt better than getting compliment. *wink
One of my love language, is act of service.
SY is always helpful, he would do his best in assisting me in everything I do.
I am always grateful, but this time round, I say it out to acknowledge his effort. (:
“Thank you for helping me out. You are so good, you can do anything, can’t you?”
“You always know how to make me smile.”
These are sincere compliments, but I guess I weren’t expressive enough during my past relationship.
Even SY is shocked when he hear me complementing him, “I didn’t know you will express yourself like this.” True enough, I haven’t done this in the past 25 years. But, from his smile, I know he does enjoy hearing these compliments from me.
In this relationship, I resolute to be generous with my compliment.
P.s. – it can be a little awkward as first (especially for Asians like myself, haha); but you will be soon adapt to it.
I promise it’s worth it, and it guarantees joy in relationship.
PROMISE EXCLUSIVITY, STAY COMMITTED.
I started this relationship with SY, knowing he’s long term compatible.
& I am determine to be committed into this relationship.
Hence, exclusivity is important.
This is one of the most important yet toughest resolution for me, & him.
Because, both of us, have a lot of friends of the opposite gender; & it’s our work nature to socialize with people.
You don’t treat your boyfriend, like how you treat your friend.
For instance, just because I am clumsy & forgetful.
I should not say things like, “you should know I am clumsy like that.”
I consciously remind myself to be extra thoughtful when it comes to him.
I guess I succeeded when he says, “I did not realize this part of you when we’re friend.”
It’s a good start, but it sure requires a lot of effort to keep it up.
It’s important to be consistent, because “what you do everyday matters, more than what you do once in awhile.”
Intense for sure, but I realize all these do make me a happier person.
It has proven that the saying of “through your partner happiness should be your happiness” is right.
“A woman can’t change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her.”
You will not be happy by trying to change the other half, you can only work on yourself.
I have been working on this for a month, & it truly makes me happier.
And, I am really happy that SY too, is becoming a better version of himself as a boyfriend, let it be consciously or even unconsciously. I can’t help to keep falling for him. (:
Love right, because a good relationship is strongly associated to happiness.