confused

I’m confused.
I trying to let go before I go too deep.
I had once fall hard. I don’t want any 2nd time.

I keep telling myself he is serious to me before that.
I thinks he is sweet enough to come over to my work place just to see me.
Nice to send me sweet messages when I’m down.
Caring enough to buy me my favourite donuts & make sure I eat ’em.
Kind enough to call me up.
Smart enough to help me in my studies.
Tall enough for me to wear high heels when walking with him.
& I trusted him whenever he said no.

But everytime I failed to see him when I really expecting to see him.
& failed when waiting for his call when I am waiting desperately .
I got disappointed.
worst came to worst.
when
he lied to me.
hiding things from me.
so much of lying and hiding.
what I am for him. Sigh.
I thought I’m the one who supposed to know everything bout him.
& when I realize..
I’m not so important for him anymore.
maybe I’m just not good enough.
In fact, I am bad.
I admit I’m a stubborn, unreasonable, selfidh girlfriend.
I don’t worth his love.
people told me.
” yeah la, he memang like that la.”
” Taylors alot pretty chicks wei. gone la you.”
” He got you happy, lost you also nothing one la. “
I don’t want to trust.
But. I just feel that it is the fact.

Before I ask for IT.
he had never care much to call me up
or maybe come over to look for me.
Instead he spent his time playing pool and else with his friends.

I don’t feel heartbreak anymore.
Just sad and disappointed.
I had touched something that I had anti all the while.
I thought it will help me to feel better.
but useless.
I still feel fucking down.
I smile, I laugh.
You will never know how bad I feel.
but well. I guess I had gave up much earlier.
& Finally, I made my decision today..

But his words touched me & keep holding me back.
I read his blog and made me drop my tears.
I don’t know what should I do.
Should I go back to him.
Spare me sometime.
I’m really confused.
I will definately.
miss his kisses.
miss his hugs.
miss his sweet messages.
miss talking to him.
miss everything.
I’m really afraid I will regret after everything.
Sigh.

XOXO